Seeing your child's behaviour as a form of communication

Most of the children who come to my therapy room struggle with difficult behaviour, which, understandably, parents see as an issue and something to be addressed. But when I get to know the child more, it strikes me how much they communicate their emotional distress, unmet needs, and overwhelm through their behaviour.   What we normally see is the visible behaviour (tantrums or meltdowns, defiance, refusal and avoidance, aggression, crying, withdrawal or shutting down), and we address that by either telling them off or insisting on consequences. Often, what drives their behaviour remains invisible, which leads to even more frustration, a feeling of being misunderstood, and a greater likelihood of shutting down. The invisible behaviour could be anxiety, overwhelm, a sense of unfairness or injustice, jealousy, or fear of failure, to name a few. By addressing only the visible behaviour, we fail to understand what lies underneath the iceberg and what they are trying to communicate. What you can do instead is:

1.      Respond rather than react – this is sometimes easier said than done, and I know that from personal experience. If you are stressed, tired or overwhelmed, you are more likely to react, which will only lead to a power struggle. But if you could take a step back and not address the unwanted behaviour immediately, you create a pause, and you won’t react out of your emotions. Then you can respond in a better way. If the child is displaying behaviour which could put them or others in danger, you need to prioritise making sure that everyone is safe. Then let them calm down in whatever way helps them (provided it is safe). And only after that, you talk about what has happened.

2.      Be curious about the invisible behaviour of your child. Instead of thinking what’s wrong with them or how inappropriate their behaviour is, or that you need to do something about it, think about what they are trying to communicate with me, what is going on in their internal world. It could be friendship issues, struggling at school, unmet needs, sensory overload, or a strong sense of injustice. I have found that gently enquiring by saying: It looked like you struggled earlier, and you got angry/upset/annoyed. Then pause and be present. They might say more or yell Leave me alone. If they are not ready to talk about it, try another time. Car journeys are usually a great time for conversations. You could start by saying. I have noticed you seem very stressed lately when you come from school, or you get frustrated very easily at home, or you react strongly if we say no, whatever the challenging behaviour is. And I am trying to understand what might be going on so I can help you best.

3.      Validate their feelings – hopefully the approach earlier has helped, and they have shared what is bothering them. Then validate their feelings, without offering any advice or help, unless they have asked you directly. One of the biggest mistakes parents make, which teens especially hate, is saying “It will be fine”, or “Don’t worry about it”, or “Calm down”. Usually, what helps is saying things such as “I am sorry you feel this way”. “It sounds like you had a tough time”. Even if the issue they shared doesn’t seem like a big deal, to them it is. If we don’t respond in a compassionate and validating way, children often feel undermined or misunderstood, and the chances of opening again decrease even more.

Sometimes, even with your best efforts and intentions, children will not share. Some of the reasons I have come across are not wanting to take up space and inconvenience others, not wanting to upset you, or worrying they might be judged. If children don’t want to share their invisible behaviour, then having counselling sessions could be very beneficial for them.

Another common challenge I work with is children withdrawing, shutting down, and being unapproachable, which makes it very difficult for a parent to understand the invisible behaviour. Teens are notoriously difficult to connect to as they transition from parental reliance to peer orientation. However, there are some ways you could help strengthen your emotional connection with your child. The younger they are, the easier. If you are a parent to a teen, you might need to work harder on some of the points below.

1.      Spend undivided time together – here, it is quality, not quantity, that matters. Usually, 15 minutes of undivided attention per child is enough to meet their attention needs. The key here is to spend that time doing things your children are interested in, and there is no parent’s agenda. In my house, this includes me playing football with my eldest in the garden, watching him build things in Minecraft, or drawing with my youngest. I am not big on Football or Minecraft, but these are the things that matter to my son, so I tune in to his interests, being curious about them when he shares things about his hobbies. In those 15 mins it is all about the child and what they are interested in. For teens, it is a bit trickier, but again, try to tune in and be curious about the things that they like, showing interest in the activities they do, and watch their favourite TV show together, or go for walks.

2.      Talk about your day – when you are together, such as at dinner or bedtime, take turns sharing how your day went. Start by briefly describing your own day and how you felt, then encourage your child to share. If they mention something that is troubling them, follow the earlier advice: validate their feelings without offering judgement or advice.

3.      Repair – this is a really important step following a conflict or an argument. Being able to say sorry and explain how you felt helps repair your relationship. Even with the best intentions, we can’t get it right all the time, but research has confirmed that if we get it right half the time, that’s enough for our children to grow up with a healthy, secure attachment. Owning our mistakes teaches children that it is normal to make mistakes and how best to handle them. Also, don’t forget that we are their role models and they pick up on so many things we do, without us realising it. It is helpful for you to occasionally share things you struggled with as a child or young adult, or now, as this helps them feel more understood and strengthens the bond between you.

What if it is SEN?

As we are more aware of neurodivergent conditions such as Autism and ADHD, parents are questioning whether SEN explains their children’s behaviour. As a parent of neurodivergent children, I have personal experience with both, as well as pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), and I felt as if a weight had lifted off my shoulders when I could finally understand my boys’ invisible behaviour. I work with a lot of neurodivergent children too, and they tend to be the ones who have extreme behaviour at home. Some things to look out for are:

• Extreme dysregulation at home, often after school but not always, despite you having tried any parenting technique in the world. They are usually fine at school, due to masking, and teachers seem reluctant to believe you. Sometimes it could be the smallest thing that has triggered it, and their reaction is very disproportionate

• High levels of anxiety, also sometimes accompanied by complaints about tummy aches and worrying they might be sick.

• Reluctance to try or do new things, struggling with change and unfamiliar situations

• Difficulties making or maintaining friends

• Struggling to attend school as they find it too hard and boring

These are just some of the signs; there are many more. But the main one is that nothing you have tried has worked, and you just can’t work out what is causing your child to behave that way.